It's been awhile since i've wrote, so hear it goes. this year has been so strange and yet so much better than last year.
last year, for the first time ever, there was a threat of someone that i loved leaving. dying. gone. so i clinged to what i had and pulled away from what i felt could so easily be taken. my relationship with my dad crumbled, when it should of stregthened, my friends felt overwhelmed by me, and most of them left. So i became my mothers best friend, and i cried with her and laughed when we both were sure we were going out of our minds. I was depressed. I remember the feeling so well, i didnt want to be alive nor did i want the people around me to be happy when i was going through hell and back. i took care of my family. i became an insomniac. i grew beyond my years. and everyone my age was left behind.
this year was different. i made many friends. i changed my attitude. i became a honor role student. i survived. i worked my way up the social ladder. i started participating in things and before i knew it i had tons of people to talk to. clare was one of my first new friends, and we hit it off right away. i instantly felt i had a connection with her. hearing about her life made mine look easier. she shed a new light on my world. it was strange, we didnt have alot in common, but we were inseperable for awhile there. and soon after i became friends with all of you. i didnt have quite as strong of a connection but i loved being with you all. you were crazy, and i like crazy. when i found out clare was going to leave, i was sad and pissed, but most of all confused. i couldnt understand how someone who had all their friends with them would want to leave because of the people who didnt matter. but i understand now, or at least i almost do. but i backed away. i cant handle loss, never have been able to. we are good now. im still going to work my ass off trying to convince her to stay. but its ok if i dont suceed. we are lifetime friends.
these past few monthes have been bitter sweet. yeah i didnt talk to clare for awhile, but then you girls kinda did your own thing, which i think turned out to be for the best. i also became the closest ever to my best friend mollie, but then got into a fight that quickly made us lose contact. well, we are back. we talked about how stupid it was and how it was pointless. then recently that "stupid bitch" c, decided she wanted to create drama for me and told b that i talked shit. well, b has talked to me since i asked if she was mad. BUT the weird part is, i dont mind. my life seems easier without b, lillians been telling me it would be all along. i was stupid to think that someone who made me feel like her slave and always put me down could of been a friend worth keeping. she wasent. im happier without her.
finally, the summer is here, well after this week. and i have a really great nanny job set up. im going to california, which im so excited about. im going to just be happy and stress free for a little while. hopefully at some point ill set up some kinda day trip for all of us to take. but for now, im going to watch everything unravel before me, and hope there will be peace for a while.
i guess i should study...
xoxo, sam
Current Mood: 
calm
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samanthastein's journal
distressed